mental health day

i really need a mental health MONTH. or three. But anyway, wednesday found me in complete misery over my current job and the looming few months i have left until i am free from my contract (at which point I am pretty sure i'll be ready to never step foot in that place again). I have been so utterly exhausted lately, and I recently realized that the issue with work is the hostility of the environment. it is very "every man for himself" with every department seemingly trying to pawn their work off onto the nurses. not only that, but night time means less resources, and usually more admissions. And the nursing supervisors just DON'T CARE. Like if you have 5 patients, one who is going bad, another who is getting blood, and another who keeps wandering out of their room, they don't even offer to try to keep a patient downstairs while you get yours situated. No, no, they just stare at you straight faced and say, "Well we have to get them out of the ER so you'll have to figure something out." Glad to see patient safety is a priority. And at the same time, you'll have a tech saying, "I need you to help me clean up this patient." all the while, the other tech is surfing the web, looking at "going out" shoes. so yeah, i'm over it. it just doesn't match up with like... how i was raised or something. well, not really that, more like the environment of nursing school. i felt like in those days, it didn't matter who was in your clinical group, for those few hours, you were on the same team, you had each others backs. gross patient? someone was there to pitch in, difficult task? someone would gladly coach you through it or trade one of their tasks for yours. it didn't really seem to matter that once we left clinicals people fell back into their old cliques, at the hospital, you pitched in, made sure everyone got a break, and really looked out for one another. now, not so much.

anyway, all that to say, i was at my breaking point by thursday morning after work. i slept for a couple hours, then spent a couple more crying about all of it, and then called in sick. its not like i can call in sick every day that i don't feel like going in to work, but some days, you really just have to suck it up and lie. i felt guilty, but took comfort in an email from Allison validating that it was the right thing to do, a conversation with Jeff and Ali the night before venting about the state of things, and a comment from a nurse from another unit saying "i don't know how yall do it. i swear they try to kill you guys up there." I needed those things to happen i think. i've just been questioning lately why things suck so much, and why this can't just be a job, and why I can't seem to hack it. But it looks like jeff and ali are in the same boat, and the other units know that ours is a bit abused. i have been told stories of other hospitals, where people actually like their jobs, and hospitals seem to actually value the nurses, so i'm holding out hope that this will be my worst nursing job, and that it won't make me bitter forever, and that it won't make me quit the profession altogether.

in the meantime, i have a new hobby. and by "new" i mean i read the article yesterday and now i'm trying not to order the book and DVDs until i actually can tell if i'm going to stick with it longer than 72 hours or not.

I want her to be my new friend.

it is about a non-mainstream yoga instructor in NY and how her youtube videos have been so successful that she ended up ultimately opening her own studio, writing a book, and putting out a couple dvds. i made cory do a couple of them with me. i am pretty sure i'm already seeing benefit, even though i'm sure at least half of that is the placebo effect. over the next week or so i'ma see if it increases (which would be genuine benefit) or if i lose interest like i do in many of my new "projects." in the meantime, i suppose i'll keep sending the link to people (i'm up to at least 5 before this post i think).

other accomplishments for today: i cleaned off the top of my dresser, and cleaned out two of the drawers, finding a few articles for goodwill as well! phew.

until next time.