Quiet

I live in a house with 7 roommates. I have no space to myself. Not physical, not mental, not audible, not visual. And whatever else can be crowded, it is. I go through cycles of needing more or less of space and time and quiet. Right now, I need quite a bit. I find myself withdrawing from the House. The cleaning, the cooking, the spring project, the meetings. I feel more and more wholly an introvert. Six of us in this house scored as introverted when we took the Myers-Briggs back in the fall. While I was working, I believe I was more of a hermit than an introvert, and I wanted this year to be a time of getting back my sociability, my compassion for those close to me (as opposed to just my patients, which took up almost all of my compassion stock, leaving little for family and friends), and my strong belief in and love of community.

The past couple weeks have been like one long meltdown. But it has forced me to lower the point to which I push myself. Instead of just not being emotionally engaged with the house, I have retreated to my room for the better part of my non-working time. I am reading again. I am reading a book my mom gave me called Quiet as well as Let Your Life Speak as part of my internship. I am finding them both to really resonate with me and the struggles that come with growing into an adult.

A quote to keep in mind: "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Howard Thurman

Let Your Life Speak (LYLS, if you will) does an excellent job of verbalizing something I have sort of tried to embrace, without quite knowing how, and without knowing how to deal with societal pressures that sometimes masquerade as a calling.

Something I'm finding really helpful this week is this: "In the tradition of pilgrimage, those hardships are seen not as accidental but as integral to the journey itself. Treacherous terrain, bad weather, taking a fall, getting lost-- challenges of that sort, largely beyond our control, can strip the ego of the illusion that it is in charge and make space for true self to emerge."

This year is a pilgrimage. And it has been full of those hardships mentioned. Consider my ego stripped of the illusion that it is in charge. It has thrown in the towel and is pouting in the corner.

I am trying to kind of process what it is that I'm gaining, but it is a bit muddled thus far. I live in a house where the three people I have issues with, are the three who I feel would talk about me behind my back to one another if I brought up things that upset me. At work, I just don't trust my coworkers to not gossip, throw me under the bus, etc. I have really had to fight for myself at work especially, but at home I feel like I avoid that conflict, even though it can be just as painful. And I have not been one to avoid conflict, because I am extremely concerned with getting conflicts resolved.

Crap. I was hoping to solidify things by writing, and now I've just confused myself more.