heffalumps and woozles

4 more shifts. I really can't believe it. I am excited, but honestly really nervous about not having a job-- it's been nearly two years of working, sleeping, eating, repeat. i just don't know how i'll react to being on a daytime schedule, eating normal meals, and having free time. i feel like i've learned a lot and grown up a lot during my time at DMC, but I just don't know if i'll be self-motivating when i'm set loose. or if i'll still procrastinate and won't have "my crazy schedule" to blame it on. sigh. whatever, no sense stewing over it; the time will be here in a week and a half and then we'll see.

In other news though- we had a coworker die last week. It seems to have been a suicide, and completely unexpected. At least from a work standpoint-- she was always early and smiling, and incredibly sweet and motherly to really everyone. it has made for a difficult few shifts lately, unsurprisingly. plus staff on other floors keep coming down or calling to get more details, and i don't think it is to actually gossip, but it still feels invasive. i guess that speaks to the feeling of family among the full time staff on the floor, so that is good, but we certainly didn't own Raj by any means. If it was suicide, I strongly hope that work didn't play a role into it. our hospital is rough, regardless of the family feeling, and it is easy to feel hopeless when we are so overworked. I really hope that the relationships she had with coworkers overshadowed some of the negative of the job. but who knows. its just one of those things that you can talk and talk and talk, but you'll never know the whole story and at some point you have to just find the best peace you can with it. i think the worst thing for me is to just know that she must have felt unimaginably desperate, alone, miserable, trapped, etc, and that this was her last resort and only option. the other worst part is thinking about her kids and how they are dealing with this, and will continue to, forever. I mean, I am 25, a certifiable adult, and I talk to my mom all the time and really value the time I get with her and the lessons she teaches. just tragic. anyway, here's our Raj, sporting two backpacks (she always had 1 with her, the second one, i don't know what was going on :) ) Marie is in the background actually looking like she might attack: