Anyway. I can't sleep. I've had 5 days of sleeping at all hours of the day and night, and being tired even when I'm awake, and only getting up because of some obligation, and here I am, having worked a solid 12 hour shift, and I can't sleep.
It's just when I get home from work I can't seem to turn my brain off. Even if the last 5 hours of work were spent complaining of how I couldn't hold my head up, I battle traffic, hop into bed, and suddenly my eyes pop open, and the wheels start spinning. I stew over the nights events, think of all the things I need to be doing when I wake up, and am generally excited if I'm not going back that night, and if I am going back then I am usually trying to block out the dread feeling.
I feel so weird now that the end is drawing near. Yesterday before my shift I had the same anxiety and dread that I always do, and the fact that I was down to 3 shifts did nothing to alleviate it. I am feeling a little nervous about what to do with myself once this is all over. I don't know, I don't want to be at my current job, but I am a nurse to the core, and I am starting to think I'll feel weird without the nurse job part of the equation. Another thing- I think this is the first time I'm going through one of these seasonal transitions alone. In the past, I've had a whole group of classmates anxiously awaiting spring break, graduation, or for the fresh start of a new semester. So, there has been a group energy of excitement and a will to hurry things along. Not this time. It's just me, so I'm excited, but when I am at work, it leaves me feeling a bit flat to not have everyone else on board. Plus I really will miss my coworkers. The thought of having to adjust to a new environment makes me tired just thinking about it. I have come to the conclusion that I come across as weird and quiet on first impression, and it takes me a while to come out of my shell, and even longer for others to kinda get used to it I suppose. I think ultimately people like me enough, it just takes some time. Especially when there are already huge cultural differences as obstacles even before personality comes into play.
Last night we actually ALL had a lot of downtime at the same time, so from about 2:30- 3:30 am we all sat in the visitors lounge for our huddle, ended up playing the "telephone game" and "I'm going on a picnic." We talked about patient issues first and got any real business out of the way, but then we just got to relax. I mean really, talk about a rare night! Then Keisha mentioned how I was leaving and had everyone like, mention some memory of me, or say like warm wishes types of things. It was really touching actually, even though we aren't a really touchy feely group, and especially not at work, so there was plenty of joking about, but people still said nice things. I don't remember all of them but off the top of my head:
Lorna said I had spunk, and talked about the time that I stopped a notoriously pain in the ass patient from getting on the elevator and how I managed to essentially scold him back to his room.
Ameiko said we hadn't worked together long but that he was sure I'd succeed or something.
Kelli talked about how much I'd changed since I started and how I didn't have confidence to just go in and get the job done in the beginning, and how now I am "Ebony" and that I'm no longer white.
Marie followed along those lines and talked about the time that I put Oneneitha in her place about something (I think it was when I told her someone needed linens and she said "Well the linens are in that closet." instead of doing her job).
I don't remember exactly what Uclin and Paola said, but it was nice, and Paola's was really sweet, especially since she is a student and doesn't really know me.
Keisha touched on the growth thing again, and times that I would lurk and get flustered and how now I've even precepted a student and I just get in and get the job done.
So yeah. I felt a little weird being in the spotlight, and didn't want people to feel obligated to come up with something, but I still really appreciated it all nonetheless. It was a really good note to end on for that group. I am working with an entirely different group this weekend, so I think everyone that I worked with last night was my last night to work with them.
Also, hugging coworkers is awkward.
But yeah, what a good shift. :)
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