i am so tired. and worn down. I finally finally last summer got to the point that i was ok with taking care of myself, and didn't feel guilty over it, and saw how not only did my life improve, but i could be more helpful to others if I was taking care of myself. and little by little, work chipped away at that. the first couple months i was a little sheltered, even though i didn't see it. i don't think i was prepared for my job, but i wasn't pushed so much, i just happened to also be drowning. i don't know that that makes any sense to anyone but me but anyway. then we were flexed a lot, and staffing wasn't horrible for a little bit, it was just that 5 patients was still incredibly overwhelming. and i was crying to and from work every day, and half the time at work too. so i talked to boss lady, and i was dropped down to 4. so i felt supported and like me and my needs actually mattered. and then it began to wear away. coworkers would ask why i was back to four, or when i was going to go back to five, when i really needed a confidence boost and some affirmation. and then, before i was actually supposed to go back to 5, i was forced there by the nursing supervisor. then there was just the unavailability of my coworkers to help me, or my boss to back me up, or the supervisors to even remotely care, or the ED nurses sending patients who weren't stable, or the day shift getting all uppity over things passed on to them, or the fact that i almost NEVER take an actual sit down break. then there was the night i had to take 7 patients. and the fact that the manager is trying to get me to come in for extra shifts (like my 3 shifts aren't more than i want already). or nights of having NO walkie talkie patients and instead having the complaint filers, isolation patients, restraints, confused patients pulling out lines and catheters and wound dressings, etc. some of it is just the job, some of it is the floor, some of it is the hospital. but regardless, things suck really bad. there is no look at the acuity of a patient load before doling out that assignment, no giving a nurse time between admissions, no consequences for the ED when they send up a patient with a B/P of 207/116 or needing 13 tubes of blood drawn.
anyway, between all of that, not only am i pissed, and tired, but my reserves have been completely used up, and i am struggling to remember that i deserve to take care of myself, and fight for things like breaks, or safe nurse-patient ratios. i just feel like i've taken a beating from them, and they've gotten away with it long enough that i forget it's not actually right. i just feel like i have to take it, take that 2nd patient in an hour even if i haven't seen the first, clean up after the ED when they don't complete orders, take a seventh patient.
i mean i know some of this happens in every job, and some of it just would come with being a new nurse, but i also know that our floor is much more chaotic than upstairs, and i know that 7 patients is not safe. i really think dekalb dropped the ball on training the new grads this go round. i just hope we get to talk to the coordinators soon about it (there is supposed to be a dinner being set up).
i am just sick of work destroying me so much. i am either working or recuperating. and the sleep schedule thing makes me so spacey ALL the time. i just feel like my brain is like, look i have a limited amount of energy. if you aren't at work, i'm on break. i just don't have motivation or energy for much of anything on my off days. i can't seem to clean my room, or put my cups in the dishwasher, or ever finish my laundry, or cook. i lurk online, drink alcohol, SLEEEEEP, watch the occasional movie, and read if the book is written at a low enough level (i wish i was kidding). so yeah. that's where i am right now.
that and i'm looking for a job theoretically. since i decided that i've yet to have the brainpower to really do anything about it.
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