so here goes. first of all, my job sucks. there will be venting in here. perhaps a lot of it, but i'll try my best to be less whiny and more "how can i fix this or make sure this doesn't happen to new grads after me" in my tirades. Also, I just like to have a record of my life sometimes. hopefully this won't get too mundane (that is also applies to my life, truth be told). One apology I do already have-- i am totally inconsistent with my capitalization and grammar and structure and things lately. which, if i were reading my own blog, would drive me nutso.
we'll start of with my day today. i worked last night. one of those, nothing terrible, but hardly any time to breathe shifts. which left me feeling angry at my lack of proper training, and defeated from the sheer endurance 12 hour shifts require, and trapped in this painful, depressing situation. I am not a quitter. i linger in jobs i don't like until i have some outside situation that requires me to stop working at a place, like say graduating from college and moving to a different state. not only that, if i break my 18 month contract, i owe the hospital two grand. um no thanks. there is also the fact that quitting in the first 6 months just screams financial liability to train. so on my drive home i called my mom and cried to her, until Lauren called, so then I sobbed to her, and then I switched listeners again to Allison. They all were supportive and great. My mom offered to come down to my place and do my laundry so the rest of my life didn't feel so out of control, Lauren bought me a book I've been wanting and an encouraging card that will find its home in me and Allison's locker at work, and Allison just gets it. she knows our job sucks right now most days and crying is almost to be expected, even during ok shifts. And she is my height, which makes hugging easier.
By this point it was about 10am, and I finally talked myself into falling asleep. I tried to fall back asleep from 4-5 after my alarm went off, but to no avail. So I got up and showered and tried to get my bearings and build up my reserves before work. Just as I was about to boil some tortellini, S the OSA calls to save the day!! I was flexed for 4 hours. I called like 4 people in excitement, only to get a call 45 minutes later from the freaking Nursing Supervisor saying that they actually did need me to come in. I did not answer the phone, and then avoided the call again 30 minutes later, with the argument that when I am flexed, i am off, not on call. I headed to movie night; i needed some social time and support. I was happy we had some new people! I at least sort of knew all three: Cami from the YAS, Claire from camp, and Lucy knows Patrick from camp. Anyway, by 8:30 I've shoved down a bunch of quesadillas so I wouldn't have to worry about getting a break, and I'm starting to feel guilty for abandoning the floor and not answering, so I called the desk 30 minutes before I technically had to. Keisha transferred me to the nursing supervisor and here is how the conversation went:
Supervisor who is mean- "Nursing supervisor, this is ---"
Me- (quite cheery) "Hi! This is Elizabeth Baker, I just got your message from earlier."
Supervisor- "Yeah, we had to call in another nurse to come in"
Me- "Oh I'm sorry! Once I was told I was flexed, I skipped off to help with a church event and didn't have my phone."
Supervisor- "Ok well you can have the rest of the night off."
So there Hospital. I am not sure the lesson I was supposed to learn tonight. It was either, sometimes God likes to toy with emotions, or sometimes it pays to be passive aggressive. Either way, a night off was really a blessing. I am so tired of crying at work, and feeling like a baby. I am just trying so hard all the time and I'm doing my best, and the fact that it just isn't good enough for the patients or doctors or other nurses just wears on me. I could do 2 days a week. Three is pushing it. Or I could manage with 4 patients. But three days of 5 patients is rough. And no one wants to just be supportive, they all want to just tell me to buckle down, push harder, dive right in, and be more confident. Which just is not in the least bit helpful to me. I know all that, i am a self motivator. but i can only do that when i feel like there is some empathy, compassion, and belief in my abilities from those around me.
i know i'm getting stronger, its just hard to see it. i feel like a muscle- when you lift weights, you get little tiny tears in the tissue, and build up lactic acid, which is why it hurts so much the next day. but then your body repairs the tears, and voila! it is stronger. all i feel are the little tears and lactic acid. i hope i start to see the results soon. and that it will prepare me to be a good nurse, so when i get to the NICU, i will already have those skills that are so painful to develop and i can just focus on what i love. sometimes it helps to remind myself of that, and sometimes it just makes it more painful to be in the place i'm in now.
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