eventually you get numb.

i think that is where i am (at). I don't hope that my shifts will go very smoothly, i expect to get two admissions before 11 pm, i am sure i'll not be able to find a couple meds, i know i'll have to wake doctors and patients up, i'll probably get bitched at in report for not doing one thing or another, i don't even try to take a break, i know that unless every bed on our floor is full, there is the chance that i'll end up with 7 patients (or more).

i don't like the nurse i'm becoming. things are busy to the point that you just let things go, you don't follow up, you prioritize your priorities to the degree that at first glance, it would look like you half assed your way through the shift even though that is never the case. there are nights that blood sugars and blood pressures don't get treated (there are nights i don't even find out that they are too high). i just pray that my patients don't have the money to sue the hospital, or the education to know otherwise.

anyway. i have had my first patient death. it was weird and fast and i didn't really feel all that connected. but that might have been because i didn't feel any real attachment to said patient. I was super impressed with LaTasha's CPR initiative. (sidenote! initiative is a word i've been looking for for weeks. i keep trying to describe how if i weren't so worn down, i think i'd be at the point that i'd want to take more initiative with my nursing care. phew i feel so much better now that i remembered that word.) anyway. then i got some exposure to postmortem care, the organ people, the death packet, code paperwork (i got to be the recorder, so i was involved in a more secretarial way, but i still got really good exposure for how codes go), and a little morbid coping humor. shrugs. you do what you gotta do.

just so i'm not completely depressing all of the time--

last night was slow. painfully slow. i don't remember ever having that kind of night. it would have been great had i not been so sleepy and unmotivated. i only had 4 patients until 3 am, when i got an admission that was easy and that i kinda half assed anyway (i assume he'll be here tonight and i'll finish the profile then). anyway, because i had some significant downtime, i got to chat with uclin, sandra, and jackie about "island life." i'm learning all sorts of things, like you never start your day with a cold beverage, it must be a hot/warm drink or you will get sick. also i learned how cocoa is made, and that americans eat bananas way to early. also! cashews come from a fruit that looks like a peach, and the cashew is like... the point on the bottom of it or something. i asked uclin how the fruit tastes and she just said, "oh you know, sweet." haha. I sooo wish i could type how they all sound.

thats all i've got for now.